I can’t sleep. It’s impossible. I’ve tried many times, but I cannot get myself to doze off.
It’s the last few years before I graduate, exams are torturing me, and I usually spend almost half my days studying and studying, hoping that I would at least graduate. However, I feel like this is impacting my mental and physical health. Ever since, my sleep schedule has changed – and I think it’s getting worse. I used to sleep 9 hours a day when I was in middle school, and now that I’m in university, I can only sleep for 7 hours at most.
Recently, I found myself waking up in the middle of the night, having the worst nightmares in my life: losing my family to a tragic accident, my grades slipping and progressively getting worse, or me not even being able to wake up tomorrow. Before I fall asleep, I always hope that I will at least wake up the next day. It feels scary when each day is passing, and you don’t know what will happen tomorrow, or the day after it. I even woke up finding out that I had cried on my pillow a few times or so.
I was starting to think that I have anxiety. Maybe that’s why I had nightmares during the night. Maybe that’s why I’m starting to doubt myself. Maybe that’s why my mental and physical health is getting progressively worse, but I was scared to even find out if I had anxiety.
Last night, I suddenly woke up out of nowhere. I thought I heard the fire alarm, but when I woke up, the sound faded away, and everyone was still asleep. My heart started racing, as if the fire was chasing me, wanting to burn me alive. I couldn’t breathe normally without panicking. Fortunately, it was just yet another nightmare.
I stared at my phone. It was 1:30 in the morning. I couldn’t believe that I had only slept for 2 hours so far. Yet, I was woken up by a nightmare in the middle of the night. Falling asleep these days feels more like a challenge than a habit. I tried to start counting, so I could distract myself and fall asleep. 1… 2… 3… Every second I counted, I started to think about how long I’ve been staying up. In addition, when I tried to close my eyes, the same nightmare that woke me up came back. I could imagine the fire engulfing my parents’ condominium, and as I tried to save them, the fire caught up to me, and in the end, there were burns all over my back and shoulders. I could feel how hot my back was. It was burning, just like my heart. I felt weak, tired, sick, angry with myself, not just in the nightmare, but physically in the real world.
I tried to forget about the nightmare, and it partially helped me fall asleep. Still, that didn’t stop me from feeling tired the next morning.
As I got out of bed, my eyes were red and sore, my hair all messed up, my back and legs aching like I went for sports day. I felt like a zombie when I woke up. I looked at the clock on my table… 1:30 pm!? I slept for almost half the day! Thankfully, it was the weekend, and I had no classes. I managed to sleep for 13 hours, but I missed out on breakfast and lunch.
Everyone stared at me, as if I looked like a hideous creature. In fact, I was a monster.
I felt guilty for sleeping late. I was concerned about how this would affect me in the future.
The same nightmares every night, distracting me from falling asleep, making me wake up late, miss my lessons, fail all my classes, and end up being a failure myself.
It kept on repeating like a cycle of doom. I was desperate to escape this continuous cycle. But how would I escape, if I was too scared to even reach out to anyone? I had to reach out to someone, but I didn’t know who to talk to and how to start.
Of course I would open up to my mother, but how should I approach her?
One day, I stared at my phone, opened my mother’s contact number, and texted her about how I felt these days. It has been months since I talked to her, after we had an argument about me always hiding secrets from my mother. This was the first time I actually came clean and opened up about everything to her. I shared my thoughts on my nightmares and how it affected me. I told her about how my sleep schedule had drastically changed, and how I was scared that it would affect my studies.
Surprisingly, she replied with a long text message:
“Nightmares are normal, and it’s okay to have nightmares. However, if that’s what’s bugging you during the night, you can try to forget about it, or distract yourself with other things. You can read yourself a bedtime story, think about what you have achieved today, or simply try counting and falling asleep naturally. You can always talk to me, and I will always help you whenever you need.”
I was surprised to think that she would talk to me again. I knew that she still loved me, but after what I said to her, I thought that I was talking nonsense, and that she would think the same way.
My mother also recommended that I discuss my thoughts with my teachers, so that they could help.
My teachers also suggested a “mindful calendar”, where every day I would do something relaxing to make me feel better. I also started to journal my feelings whenever I had the time, and went out for walks to remove my stresses.
Over time, I slowly started to balance my mental health and studies, and I started feeling healthier and happier. I would often study 5 hours a day, but at the same time, walk around and detox my mind for 1 hour a day. It was a slow process, but it helped me follow to a better future.
Although my nightmares would come and go, I became less bothered by them, as I would learn to become an optimistic person, even when I was scared, when things were down, and when I had panic attacks in the middle of the night.
Comentarios